Adoption Update

We have quite an update...

 

 I haven't written much lately, because frankly not much has been going on...

We have done a lot of waiting, and some more waiting, and then we waited a little more with really no word and hardly any referrals coming out of Bulgaria at all. There are always some kind of delays. It's hard not to get frustrated. It's really hard not to get impatient.

 

 We started this journey almost two years ago. We had so much excitement at the beginning about becoming parents, saving orphans, and following God's will for our lives. In the meantime, we have just been going on living life as usual and that excitement has dwindled, if not completely gone away. But then I got a call last Wednesday that changed everything...

 

 Now don't get too excited, it wasn't our official referral. Our adoption coordinator had information about a little boy that she wanted us to consider. This boy was referred to another couple who just didn't think he was right for their family. Instead of telling Bulgaria that it was a no, our coordinator wanted other families (who had matching criteria) to look at him. We were the first ones on the list. Of course we want to adopt a sibling group and this was just one boy, so my immediate reaction was "no". But I wanted us to be able to at least consider and pray about him first. So she sent us his information, pictures and medical report. He is an adorable 2 year old boy, he was born very premature, but is very healthy considering. His sweet chubby cheeks made my heart melt! Justin and I started talking, reading his information and praying immediately. Amazingly, neither one of us had peace about saying yes or no to him. Now, if you know us, then you know that Justin and I do not always (hardly ever) agree. But when it comes to the adoption, we are always on the same page. We spent the next 5 days considering everything. We prayed and talked and cried about a million tears; we even talked to family, friends, pastors and fellow adoptive parents. We had so many people praying with us and for us, but still we had no clear answer from God. This made us question everything. Justin and I discussed more about the adoption than we have in at least a year. I wanted this boy, I wanted to hold him in my arms, I wanted him to call me mom, and I wanted to call him my son (I even re-named him!). After a long talk and even more tears, I realized that every reason that I wanted him was completely selfish: I wanted to save an orphan, I wanted to be a mom, I didn't want to say no, I didn't want to wait anymore. While none of these reasons are necessarily bad, they are still all about me and not at all about this boy. This wasn't what God has for us, we had to say no.

 

 "Now, why would God ever want anyone to say 'no' to an orphan?" you may ask. This was never about the orphan, God has a specific family waiting for him, I have no doubt. God was teaching something through this.  Do I know exactly what? No, but I have a few suspicions: God wanted us to choose waiting over fulfilling our own desires, He wanted to remind us why we are adopting in the first place (it's about the orphan and following God's leading), He wanted us to get excited about the adoption again, He wanted Justin and I to grow closer and talk to each other about what God is telling each of us to do (We both still feel very strongly that God gave us the desire to adopt a sibling group, at least 2, maybe 3)... Whatever else he was using this situation for, we may never know, and that's okay. God's will is perfect and His timing is perfect! This didn't make it any easier though, it was extremely hard and still is. Our hearts are completely broken! I don't know when another chance like this will come, it could be another year or more, that is devastating! But this is where patience, faith, and trust in God come in. Our time is coming. There is a song by Tenth Avenue North that is basically exactly what I am feeling and going through right now. Listen to it if you get a chance, it's beautiful. Here are the lyrics:

"Worn"

 

I’m Tired, I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

 

 

 

 

Please continue to pray for us: that our broken hearts are healed, that we get renewed strength and patience. And please pray for this little boy: that his family will find him very soon. I can't give out his information, just call him "Ray in Bulgaria" and God will know who you are praying about.